I think the picture speaks for itself…

That bloody VC dragged me up to the Lick District and pulled me up and down mountains, and made me sleep in a ratty tent in gale-force winds on a scrotty little mat, with nothing but a fleece, a down gilet and her down smock to keep me warm. WTF?!?

Now I’ve lost fur and developed scabs on the front of my legs, and there’s a tick embedded in the side of my face. We’re off to the vet in 40 minutes, and that’s sure to mean poking and pulling and indignity. Still, there might be a chance to sniff at some cats and dogs in the waiting room. Maybe there’ll be a treat as a reward when I get home.

Me in my smart new kit!

Heheh… I managed to arrange for a very long walk in the Lick District by doing a lot of whining and perfecting my ‘Please Take Me For A Walk!’ look.

VC has a lot of kit, and it doesn’t seem fair that I haven’t, and so I did some fairly sophisticated shivering on a few recent walks, as a result of which I’ve managed to guilt VC into buying me a new softshell garment! And since I don’t like that nasty collar thing I also insisted on a padded harness. Hee hee! Next I plan to steal VC’s debit card and order my own GPS online. Once I’ve done that I’m going to plan a long walk down to B/ham to visit my beau, Buster.

Me on Scarefall Pike

I finally managed to extract the VC from her comfy chair in front of the computer, and drag her up to the Lick District a few days ago.

It was lots of fun, and I ran all the way to the top of Scarefall Pike! The VC turned purple and I thought she was going to have a heart attack. I was a bit worried about that, because she was carrying all the food, so I stopped for a bit of a rest on the top to give her a chance to calm down. While she was resting I managed to open the top of the ruff sack and get out the biscuits. Yum!

*burp*

I’d selected a camping spot by a tarn in advance of the trip, and when we got there I lay down and began to shiver to make the VC think that I was cold and exhausted. It was all a ploy to get into her down smock, though. If she thinks I’m going to make do with some girly Polartec bed suit then she has another think coming!

Me pretending to be exhausted. Heheh...

We’re back at home now, and I’ve been reunited with my rat and the cat. As soon as the VC goes to the bathroom (what does she do in there, I wonder?) I’m going to make an assault on the kibble.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr!

WTF?!?!?!

I know Piss-Piss can be a bit of a trial, but I love her really and so I wrote her a pome. Here it is. Heh…

Me and Piss-Piss
I have a cat called Piss-Piss.
We sleep on Shirley’s bed.
I try to lick her whiskers,
But she claws me on my head!

I like to lick her bum as well;
She isn’t very keen…
I don’t know why she hisses:
I’m just trying to keep her clean!

She eats a lot of Kit-e-Cat.
It really isn’t right!
I’ve tried to take it off her,
But it ends up in a fight.

I found her sleeping in my crate,
And tried to pull her out.
She cried, so I pulled harder,
But then Shirl began to shout.

I have to go and chase her now;
She’s smirking from the door!
She’ll jump up on the table,
But I’ll catch her on the floor…

I love my Puss-Puss really,
And I think she loves me too.
And at least when she’s stopped eating
I can eat up all her poo!

Piglet (aged 9 months and 9 days)

Me and my rat

Me to M2

Dear M2,

I was reading over M1′s shoulder when your email arrived, and noticed your use of the phrase “bacon sandwich”.

I’ve heard that before, but M1 refuses to tell me what it is. I asked the cat but she just shrugged and turned away, licking her lips.

What’s it all about?

Oh, heheheheh… and I put my Puke Puke Puke plan into action last night. That’ll teach M1 to refuse me a bit of her tea… heheheheh… I have a Crap Crap Crap plan in reserve for next time somebody comes to look around the house.

Your loving wee Scout xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

.

M2 to me

Dear sweet Scout

I feel you’re a little young to be told about such things, suffice it to say it involves not only bacon but two sausages as well!!

Pay no attention to Piss-Piss, she just pretending…she has no idea, she just thinks a bacon sandwich is a bacon sandwich…she’s too literal!

You plan is being v.well accomplished…I could tell you were planning something cunning when I saw your picture with the rat…btw, does he have a name? You must be a little careful and not let your evil face be captured on film because when the ultimate plan is executed, we don’t want any incriminating evidence of your insipient insanity to be disclosed…now do we?

Your loving tutor

M2
xxxxxx

Me and M2

When the Vile Camper went walking in Scotland last May I went to stay with M2. She and M1 chatted about me in texts. What a cheek! Just look at this crap!! I think they must be nutz…

.. …..  ..

Thursday 7th May — M1 en route to Torridon

M1:  How is my wee darling?

Dee: Who? Oh, you mean MY new babe! Dibley-Scout is a happy little bunny! Major prob at feeding time — B&B wanted Burns and PM wanted Bakers! Will feed at separate times tomorrow, or maybe give my two sardines too!

M1: Poor wee Dibley Scout! Pls give her a kiss from me and a wee smack of her little bum (she enjoys that). On train to Strathcarron now. Kissy kissy to B&B.

.

Thurday 7th May — Arrived at Torridon

Dee: PM now back to being your babe — she keeps weeing on the bath mat — at least it’s in the bathroom. Have you told her she’s an ‘uman beink?

M1: Eep… Sorry about the weeing on the nar…

M1: Oops meant to type something else there. Have been soaked and am now eating chocu kate. I am so tired fell asleep texting you! Kiss for monster xxx

Dee: No probs! She’s probably picked up the habit from you… since you piddle in strange places too! She’s asleep on my feet under the desk! Hope the weather’s not too bad and the mountain range doesn’t scream too much!

Dee: PM says “Night-night Mummy!”

M1: Night-night Piglet xxx

.

Friday 8th May–Craig

M1: Dear PM I hear you’ve been peeing on the bath mat. Naughty wee monster. I wish to hear of no further such behaviour. If it continues we may need to stop your rusk ration Mummy sends kiss and cuddle and also for B&B xxx

Me: Dear Mummy. I’m trying to be very good. But it’s hard when B&B are leading me astray! I am ingratiating myself with Aunty Dee just like you said–it’s working! Your loving puppy PM xxx

M1: Dearest PM. Mummy sends kiss and a wee smack, feeling sure you’ll benefit from one. Have you stolen all of B&B’s toys yet? I hope you’re eating all your greens and drinking plenty of water. No peeing indoors or else… xxx xxx xxx Mummy xxx xxx xxx

Dee: It’s official–PM loves Buster! It’s an all consuming sexual, passionate longing: Buster, in keeping with most males, doesn’t give a toss! P.S. John’s having a bit of a nervous breakdown… not to worry…

M1: Oh noes! What’s John worrying about? Is it the peeing? Not surprised PM loves Buster: strong silent dog that he is. Um… She’s not in heat is she? Eep…

Dee: Well there is the peeing, and the stealing, and the mess she leaves in her wake from the stealing… but PM loves him. If she has a period I’ll get her some Tampax.

M1: Dearest PM. Try to be a good dog for Aunty Dee and Uncle John and leave Buster’s truncated bits alone. Spend time with Blink. Mummy loves you and will beat you if you don’t behave xxx kissy to Aunty Dee xxx

.

Sunday 10th May: Cannich

M1: How’s me monster? First reception for 36 hrs. Hope all ok…? xxx

Me: Dear Mummy. Having a ball! How do you have safe sex? Will the fact that Buster has no testicles make any difference?

Dee: Where do I begin? But as I text they’re asleep together–snuggled up in the duvet! After sex with Buster her main aim in life is not sleeping in her crate!

M1: Eep… I am horrified but not altogether surprised to hear that PM has taken control of the house. She’s done the same to me: did U imagine the name ‘Piglet Monster’ was a joke? I think U should bannish her to kitchen with crate at night, little monster… xxx Moi

M1: She is precocious monster! *indulgent smirk* Weather amazing. Y/day climbed 2 Munros in snow, sleet and hail. Oh, and rain. Today about 70 degrees. Amazingly beautiful. Too ducking hot! Tonight on camp at Cannich and tomorrow cross Loch Ness. Rain killed camera and MP3 player. Pack uncomfy. Now have Aviemore shops plan Hope y’all okay. Eep House tomorrow! xxx

M1: Dear PM. Pls text Aunty Dee’s addy so Mummy can send postcard xxx

.

Monday 11th May: Erogie

Me: Mummy Dearest. Aunty Dee thrashes me at least twice a day. I enjoy the pain–is that so wrong? Can’t stop: going out for tat-tas, which frankly is more enjoyable than texting! Love and kisses xxxx PS: have learned to kiss Uncle John to help with his mental health…

Dee: The doctor said that given time John and I should recover! Buster is leaving home to live with a homeless man and Blink is going to live in a shelter! PM, on the other hand, is absolutely fine… we really don’t mind sleeping in the crate as PM prefers our bed! I have to be careful–PM doesn’t know I’m using the mobile… Bye xxx

Dee: She told me to tell you that I lied… she found the text I’d sent. On the plus side… errr… there is no plus side.

Dee: No! Give me that phone, you little brat! No, catch me if you can, ..aaaggghhh… Hey, these stun guns really work!

.

Tuesday 12th May: Somewhere in the Monadhliath

Dee: OMG…HOUSE!!! Wilsie’s eye v. nearly and an epi to itself. PM told me to tell you that she’s being a v.g. girl now and everyone loves her!

M1: ZOMG can hardly wait for House! Relieved to hear PM less monstrous now. Will reward her with shorter beating when I get home. Heh… xxx

.

Wednesday 13th Aviemore

Dee: It says on the news that you’re having blizzards! PM is v. well and wishes to be remembered to you, but then she said, “I haven’t got time to chat, I have to…”

.

Thursday 14th: Corrour Bothy

Me: I love Buster and yesterday and today he has played with me and has hardly growled at me since Aunty Dee thrashed him! Talking about thrashing, I did deserve it…

Me: P.S. I do miss you when I have time! However, I’m spending so much time wreaking havoc and causing mayhem that I don’t have much time for anything else… except pooing in the back bedroom. I mentioned the thrashing, didn’t I? Hugs PM xxxx

.

Sunday 17th May: En route to Ballater

M1: Piggly darling. Mummy misses you and sends a hug and a tickle. Pls say hello to Dee for me and put her phone down. Wet here and exhausting. Ugh.

.

Tuesday 19th May: Tarfside

M1: ZOMG! This is Piglet’s half-birthday. Born 19th Nov last year. Needs cake!

Dee: PM doesn’t want to be reminded of her age. She just wants to know if she’s old enough to have sex with Buster. I haven’t broken the news about his balls yet–I didn’t want to break her heart!

.

Wednesday 20th May: North Water Bridge

M1: Penultimate day of walking. Sunny and fun. Met wee Border on hills y/day. Wanted to grab him and take him home for PM, the tart. Kissies to all the wee doglets xxx

Dee: Late walk tonight. It’s been pissing down all day! I wouldn’t call France a holiday–more like a living nightmare! Whoops… Blink got lost in the grass! Panic!

Dee: She’s used to the thrashings now–in fact she may be a masochist! Kitchen is finished…

.

Thursday 21st May: Montrose

M1: Dear Piglet, darling. See if you can sneak upstairs while Aunty Dee is cooking and watch House for me. Then get train to Montrose and come and tell me all about it. Mummy will give you kiss and gravy bones xxx Mummy xxx

Me: Tough shit! I can steal gravy bones anytime the cupboard’s open and I’ve got Buster and Uncle John to kiss! You’ve got to do better than that… I’m savvy to some life skillz now!

Dee: Oh bless… they’re all playing together in the field!

M1: Wee darlings

Dee: Little ratbags more likely!

.

Friday 22nd May: Dee now en route to France

Dee: Oh noes… forgot to take mem stick and PM’s collar and lead to Chris’s. House is still on DH and my friend (over the road) will send the lead in the post. Sorry!! Btw… PM settled in at Chris’s without a backward glance!

This is my Blog. Everybody else seems to have one, and so I feel that I should have one too.

Grrrrrr!

*wee fart*

*goes off to chew a camera case*