Me and M2
When the Vile Camper went walking in Scotland last May I went to stay with M2. She and M1 chatted about me in texts. What a cheek! Just look at this crap!! I think they must be nutz…
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Thursday 7th May — M1 en route to Torridon
M1: How is my wee darling?
Dee: Who? Oh, you mean MY new babe! Dibley-Scout is a happy little bunny! Major prob at feeding time — B&B wanted Burns and PM wanted Bakers! Will feed at separate times tomorrow, or maybe give my two sardines too!
M1: Poor wee Dibley Scout! Pls give her a kiss from me and a wee smack of her little bum (she enjoys that). On train to Strathcarron now. Kissy kissy to B&B.
Thurday 7th May — Arrived at Torridon
Dee: PM now back to being your babe — she keeps weeing on the bath mat — at least it’s in the bathroom. Have you told her she’s an ‘uman beink?
M1: Eep… Sorry about the weeing on the nar…
M1: Oops meant to type something else there. Have been soaked and am now eating chocu kate. I am so tired fell asleep texting you! Kiss for monster xxx
Dee: No probs! She’s probably picked up the habit from you… since you piddle in strange places too! She’s asleep on my feet under the desk! Hope the weather’s not too bad and the mountain range doesn’t scream too much!
Dee: PM says “Night-night Mummy!”
M1: Night-night Piglet xxx
Friday 8th May–Craig
M1: Dear PM I hear you’ve been peeing on the bath mat. Naughty wee monster. I wish to hear of no further such behaviour. If it continues we may need to stop your rusk ration😦 Mummy sends kiss and cuddle and also for B&B xxx
Me: Dear Mummy. I’m trying to be very good. But it’s hard when B&B are leading me astray! I am ingratiating myself with Aunty Dee just like you said–it’s working! Your loving puppy PM xxx
M1: Dearest PM. Mummy sends kiss and a wee smack, feeling sure you’ll benefit from one. Have you stolen all of B&B’s toys yet? I hope you’re eating all your greens and drinking plenty of water. No peeing indoors or else… xxx xxx xxx Mummy xxx xxx xxx
Dee: It’s official–PM loves Buster! It’s an all consuming sexual, passionate longing: Buster, in keeping with most males, doesn’t give a toss! P.S. John’s having a bit of a nervous breakdown… not to worry…
M1: Oh noes! What’s John worrying about? Is it the peeing? Not surprised PM loves Buster: strong silent dog that he is. Um… She’s not in heat is she? Eep…
Dee: Well there is the peeing, and the stealing, and the mess she leaves in her wake from the stealing… but PM loves him. If she has a period I’ll get her some Tampax.
M1: Dearest PM. Try to be a good dog for Aunty Dee and Uncle John and leave Buster’s truncated bits alone. Spend time with Blink. Mummy loves you and will beat you if you don’t behave xxx kissy to Aunty Dee xxx
Sunday 10th May: Cannich
M1: How’s me monster? First reception for 36 hrs. Hope all ok…? xxx
Me: Dear Mummy. Having a ball! How do you have safe sex? Will the fact that Buster has no testicles make any difference?
Dee: Where do I begin? But as I text they’re asleep together–snuggled up in the duvet! After sex with Buster her main aim in life is not sleeping in her crate!
M1: Eep… I am horrified but not altogether surprised to hear that PM has taken control of the house. She’s done the same to me: did U imagine the name ‘Piglet Monster’ was a joke? I think U should bannish her to kitchen with crate at night, little monster… xxx Moi
M1: She is precocious monster! *indulgent smirk* Weather amazing. Y/day climbed 2 Munros in snow, sleet and hail. Oh, and rain. Today about 70 degrees. Amazingly beautiful. Too ducking hot! Tonight on camp at Cannich and tomorrow cross Loch Ness. Rain killed camera and MP3 player. Pack uncomfy. Now have Aviemore shops plan🙂 Hope y’all okay. Eep House tomorrow! xxx
M1: Dear PM. Pls text Aunty Dee’s addy so Mummy can send postcard xxx
Monday 11th May: Erogie
Me: Mummy Dearest. Aunty Dee thrashes me at least twice a day. I enjoy the pain–is that so wrong? Can’t stop: going out for tat-tas, which frankly is more enjoyable than texting! Love and kisses xxxx PS: have learned to kiss Uncle John to help with his mental health…
Dee: The doctor said that given time John and I should recover! Buster is leaving home to live with a homeless man and Blink is going to live in a shelter! PM, on the other hand, is absolutely fine… we really don’t mind sleeping in the crate as PM prefers our bed! I have to be careful–PM doesn’t know I’m using the mobile… Bye xxx
Dee: She told me to tell you that I lied… she found the text I’d sent. On the plus side… errr… there is no plus side.
Dee: No! Give me that phone, you little brat! No, catch me if you can, ..aaaggghhh… Hey, these stun guns really work!
Tuesday 12th May: Somewhere in the Monadhliath
Dee: OMG…HOUSE!!! Wilsie’s eye v. nearly and an epi to itself. PM told me to tell you that she’s being a v.g. girl now and everyone loves her!
M1: ZOMG can hardly wait for House! Relieved to hear PM less monstrous now. Will reward her with shorter beating when I get home. Heh… xxx
Wednesday 13th Aviemore
Dee: It says on the news that you’re having blizzards! PM is v. well and wishes to be remembered to you, but then she said, “I haven’t got time to chat, I have to…”
Thursday 14th: Corrour Bothy
Me: I love Buster and yesterday and today he has played with me and has hardly growled at me since Aunty Dee thrashed him! Talking about thrashing, I did deserve it…
Me: P.S. I do miss you when I have time! However, I’m spending so much time wreaking havoc and causing mayhem that I don’t have much time for anything else… except pooing in the back bedroom. I mentioned the thrashing, didn’t I? Hugs PM xxxx
Sunday 17th May: En route to Ballater
M1: Piggly darling. Mummy misses you and sends a hug and a tickle. Pls say hello to Dee for me and put her phone down. Wet here and exhausting. Ugh.
Tuesday 19th May: Tarfside
M1: ZOMG! This is Piglet’s half-birthday. Born 19th Nov last year. Needs cake!
Dee: PM doesn’t want to be reminded of her age. She just wants to know if she’s old enough to have sex with Buster. I haven’t broken the news about his balls yet–I didn’t want to break her heart!
Wednesday 20th May: North Water Bridge
M1: Penultimate day of walking. Sunny and fun. Met wee Border on hills y/day. Wanted to grab him and take him home for PM, the tart. Kissies to all the wee doglets xxx
Dee: Late walk tonight. It’s been pissing down all day! I wouldn’t call France a holiday–more like a living nightmare! Whoops… Blink got lost in the grass! Panic!
Dee: She’s used to the thrashings now–in fact she may be a masochist! Kitchen is finished…
Thursday 21st May: Montrose
M1: Dear Piglet, darling. See if you can sneak upstairs while Aunty Dee is cooking and watch House for me. Then get train to Montrose and come and tell me all about it. Mummy will give you kiss and gravy bones xxx Mummy xxx
Me: Tough shit! I can steal gravy bones anytime the cupboard’s open and I’ve got Buster and Uncle John to kiss! You’ve got to do better than that… I’m savvy to some life skillz now!
Dee: Oh bless… they’re all playing together in the field!
M1: Wee darlings🙂
Dee: Little ratbags more likely!
Friday 22nd May: Dee now en route to France
Dee: Oh noes… forgot to take mem stick and PM’s collar and lead to Chris’s. House is still on DH and my friend (over the road) will send the lead in the post. Sorry!! Btw… PM settled in at Chris’s without a backward glance!